Construction underway in Chinatown, Los Angeles, December 9, 2014.
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satire / place

Introducing the Brand-New Historic District

A company hopes its construction of a Historic District will satisfy those who are upset with its demolition of historic sites.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The Blankfield Development Co. today announced the groundbreaking on its latest mega-project, the New Historic District.

In recent years, Blankfield has been at odds with local preservationists over the company’s alleged “demolition of historically significant buildings” and those buildings’ subsequent “replacement with Chase banks.” Blankfield is confident that, by constructing a brand-new historic district, it is taking the first steps toward repairing those relationships.

Project Details
The New Historic District will consist of seven brand-new historic mixed-use towers, totalling over two hundred and fifty thousand square feet of new historic development. This will include new historic office space, new historic luxury condominiums, and new historic curated retail amenities, as well as two thousand new historic parking spaces for residents and visitors.

Some may ask: If the New Historic District is brand new, how is it historic? To answer this, Blankfield turned to the widely respected historian Dr. Edgar P. Kerry, who is being paid four times his annual university salary to consult on this project. In the words of Dr. Kerry, “I guess, technically, anything can be historic when you think about it.”

Additional Features
Blankfield is committed to improving its relationship with the history-loving people who keep screaming at us when we have to do presentations at community-board meetings. Therefore, the project will include the following ultra-historical features:

All the building signage will be in old-timey newspaper font.

All building employees will talk with a mid-Atlantic accent, like people in old movies.

An old man will be employed to sit in the lobby of the flagship Historic Tower 1 and tell stories about what it was like when he was growing up there. He will say things like “This lobby hasn’t changed a bit since 1948,” and “I remember when bluejeans cost a dollar.”

The entire project will be located a mere two blocks from the nearest subway. And, as Dr. Kerry noted, “Yes, obviously, the subway is historic.”

We anticipate that, despite our firm commitment to doing history, activist groups will protest this project anyway. Lucky for us, protests themselves are frequently viewed as historic. The historic Historic Towers Protests will be commemorated with a plaque.

Ditto, if the construction workers strike again.
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